Live Your Own Damn Life

Life is a battle right now; a constant struggle of who and what and why and where and when. There's no constant, no straight line, no certainty or sureness in any of it. An hour ago I was fine with that. Now I'm a panicky, sweaty mess. 

That's anxiety. 

Sometimes I wish I could write on a resume the amount of work I've done to heal my body and mind this year, but I can't. Sadly the evidence is missed classes and a shotty GPA (well, shotty for me). There's nothing to be said for the outlook I now have on life, my determination, my spirit, my werewithall. I haven't been able to be as extracurricular as I have wanted to be during my time at university because of a mental illness. At the same time, I have fought my way back from close to death while simultaneously finishing school and working in between and you know what? I'm tired. But there's no resume title for that. 

So on paper, I'm lazy. 

Too bad in real life I'm a force of nature. 

I could let my illness hinder me. It's stopped me from accomplishing a lot of things. But at the same time, it's taught me more than I can ever imagine. And as I go forward in life, I'm thankful to be at the place I am in my soul. I have learned far, far more than I ever could have from a book. I will not worry about opportunity. Opportunity is out there. And people will see in me everything I have to offer when I am ready. I will keep fighting. I will never let myself be put down.

I just want anyone reading this to know that you cannot live your life on someone else's terms. You will never live up to a manual or a set of requirements or rules because they were not written for you. They do not define you. What you do in school does not define you. Who you are, that's what defines you. Your courage. Your enthusiasm. The life that lives within you every day. That's who you are. And you decide who that is, no one else. 

There will always be someone telling you you're not good enough. There will always be a set of expectations you cannot meet. There will always be people who don't understand why you are the way you are. 

Fuck them. 

Be proud of yourself. 

Live your own damn life. 

It's way too short. 

That's it.