It's okay to be upset with yourself. It's okay to be frustrated with the path you've taken in life. It's okay to not know where to go next or who to be or what to try. It's okay to feel like you've wasted time. If any of these apply to you, I want you to know you are not alone. In fact, you are most likely a part of the majority. I want you to know that you possess the strength to move forward, even if you're not sure what that might entail.
I want you to know you are capable.
I'm 90% sure I'm not going back to school in the fall. At least, not for what I'm studying right now. It's as if, within this journey of self-actualization and awareness, I've become acutely aware of the discomfort within me. It comes from the place in which I've put myself. I have spent the last three years of school waxing and waning, knowing intuitively that I wasn't in the right place but talking myself out of it because at least I was doing something. And it was something people could respect and admire and associate with me.
But it's not me. It's not me.
It's. Not. Me.
This realization is scary. It's terrifying. I've always felt sort of like a fish out of water, so out of place in this city I have grown up in and ready since the beginning of college to leave.
Through the process of becoming sick I was able to avoid the uncertainty of life. I was able to get rid of any judgement people might have had about me, align myself with what i felt people expected of me, and exceed that. In the end, all it did was get me further into a black hole.
In as if some sort of fall from grace, I was connected with my authenticity. Through pain and grief and awareness and lots of reading, I became astutely confident not only in my ability to manifest, but in my power to take hold of what I know to be true and become truely aligned with that.
I'm tired of going to bed thinking of what could be but what I'm too afraid to try. I'm tired of telling myself I'm not good enough, that it's just a pipedream, that I'll never get to where I want to go.
I'm starting to realize the power of fulfillment through career and the possibility- maybe even necessity- of failure to teach us the next step. That there is no reason really to be afraid, because if we give in to our fear we will never achieve what it is we really hope for.
What do you do if there's no guarantee? What if there's no real chance of payoff from risk? What do you do then? How do you jump in, unaware of the realness of the consequences yet still just hoping for the outcome you've always wanted?
I don't know the answer. What I do know, though, is that if I am able to connect to a deeper place of authenticity then I have to move towards that. It may be unconventional, may not make sense to anyone, but I need to be able to at least explore that part of me before it gets snuffed out.
I am ready to jump.
If you can forgive yourself for the paths you wish you didn't take or the decisions you made or didn't, I want you to know it will free you. Forgiveness will take you to a place of deeper comfort and happiness than you have known before. And if you can move past fear with grace and compassion, doors will open. I promise you.
Love and light.